i don't know how to be broken

I don’t know how to be broken.  Though they say you can find anything on Amazon, you cannot find the book “How to Be Broken for Dummies”.  I searched.  It’s not there.  I have long prided myself on having my “stuff” together and a thumb on me, my issues, and how to manage and maintain myself, without any help from anybody else.  However, 2019 was a stellar year for brokenness for me.  It was as though a switch was flipped and I could not flip it back, nor was simply waiting it out/the passing of time flipping the switch back either.  While I cannot articulate my particular brokenness in so many words at present, or perhaps ever, I will simply echo a lament of Job… an assessment of himself, if you will, in a dark moment:  “But I don’t have the strength to endure.  I have nothing to live for.  Do I have the strength of a stone?  Is my body made of bronze?  No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success.”  (Job 6:11-13).  

When people ask for or share stories of healing to celebrate and praise God for what he has done, as well as to encourage others, it seems like completed stories are preferable.  But what if your healing hasn’t yet been completed?  What do you talk about then?  My brokenness did not get the memo that it was to wrap itself up in 2019 because 2020 was going to rock and people I know needed to hear about my victory and my healing.  Maybe the memo got “lost in the mail.”  I’m sure it’s on its way… maybe tomorrow… 

We’re a society that likes the “Hallmark Channel.”  [Ok, I don’t…]  But you get the idea.  I think we like order.  We like things to make sense.  A clear hero.  A clear villain.  An inspiring [albeit unoriginal, ahem, Hallmark Channel] plotline.  We like things with a clear beginning, a clear middle, and to be nicely wrapped up at the end.  We like predictability, familiarity, and control.  

What if, as you sit here reading this, your healing didn’t or doesn’t come about in an orderly, timely, easily-articulated fashion?  What if it’s not immediate?  What if you’re still waiting?  And what if you’re not sure it’ll ever come about?

Though the gospel echoed in song paints a beautiful [and true] picture of how God can and does use our brokenness, depending on what season of brokenness you may find yourself in, the words may feel more hollow rather than helpful.  

“You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful.” -All Sons & Daughters/“Brokenness Aside”

“You make beautiful things out of the dust.  You make beautiful things.  You make beautiful things out of us.”  -Gungor/“Beautiful Things”

“Nothing is wasted in the hands of our Redeemer… From the ruins, from the ashes, beauty will rise.”  -Jason Gray/”Nothing Is Wasted”

When you’re up to your eyeballs in the muck of brokenness, it’s hard to see the beauty.  

If you follow the big-picture story of scripture – the big, beautiful, redemptive, transformative story of hope, of a God who creates, a God who sustains, a God who redeems…a God who saves, a God who heals, a God who restores, a God who provides, a God who loves—hand-in-hand with that story is a universal story of brokenness, destruction, pain, hopelessness, hatred, cruelty, despair, and havoc that seems to be on repeat, cyclically impacting all of humanity collectively and individually.  Let’s face it, we wouldn’t have the need for the former if the latter wasn’t our present reality.  

While my world is a world where we murder, lie, cheat, steal, slander, and betray – basically a whole colorfully assorted rainbow of not pretty things—the truth is that my God is a God who raises dead things.  And my God IS and he may be KNOWN.  And somewhere in there is hope and healing.  Somewhere in there is an opportunity for the tiniest mustard seed of faith to take hold, sprout, and push up out of the ground…a tiny David triumphantly springing up toward the sun in the shadow of a mountainous Goliath.  

Yes…my world is a broken world and my life is a broken life.  But God is worthy of my praise and the recipient of my trust, even in my brokenness.  Simply, he wins in spite of, and over all the brokenness.  Because…Jesus.  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”  2 Corinthians 12:9

At present, I don’t fully understand how God’s power will be demonstrated in my brokenness, or honestly, how it can be beautiful.  But:

My God is a God who raises dead things.  

My God is a God who offers salvation.  

I can’t.  He can.  

My God can heal in an instant…immediately.  

My God can heal over a lifetime and into eternity.  

And my God is a God who also uses other people to help in the healing process.  

The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth.  Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”  John 11:44

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead; He called others to remove the grave clothes.  

In 2019 my level of brokenness was so deep and so foreign to me, and I was so unfamiliar to myself, that I chose to pursue some formal counseling, trusting God and allowing him to use somebody else to help in the healing process.  

Even with periodic pushes to end stigma surrounding mental health, there is often mixed receptivity about counseling, whether you’re a Christian or not.  Even I have struggled with what I think and how I feel about going.  Often, the most common response, whether or not we like to admit it, is “That’s great for you, I applaud you… [but it will be a cold day before I would ever do that ever…]” or a strange mix of grateful condescension and encouragement:  “That’s great, good for you!  [Oh, I’m so glad I don’t need that and I’m not a mess…like you…]”  Often, the thought of people’s broken struggles can isolate from both sides:  the broken are too uncomfortable to let people know of their brokenness, and people are too uncomfortable with hearing about and acknowledging the brokenness of others.  

So, where’s the hope?  Because when Jesus is involved, it’s gotta be somewhere.  

To echo the song our fantastic worship team has been singing, “See a Victory” by Elevation Worship:  I’m gonna see a victory… for the battle belongs to you Lord.  You take what the enemy meant for evil and you turn it for good.  Sometimes the most healing first step you can take is leaning in with front-loaded faith and trust that in the moment makes zero percent sense and, however feebly, praise God for the victory, with anticipation and expectation for what he will do, even if it seems like it’s a long way off.  And, as the Lord directs, consider allowing others to be aware you have some grave clothes that you’re slowly removing, and need help with removing, whether it’s close and trusted family and friends, a pastor, and/or a professional counselor/psychologist.  

And to echo Job’s assessment of God found in Job 19:25:  For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth.  

To anyone reading this today who may be in a similar boat, know that I’m praying God gives you direction, that you respond with obedience, that God puts others who are both trusted and equipped in your path that can help with healing, and that even in the midst of your brokenness, you cling to Jesus and have unexplainable hopeful expectation in the waiting, as well as obedience and the humility to allow God to use others to help you in the healing.  

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.  Psalm 9:10